F's cuteness & winter's last days

we have survived. made it thru the wilderness of a bad evil winter. the robins have come back, the green grass peeks thru the withered brown leaves. 7 sunny days in a row increase vitamin D levels and lift moods.

we are not left unscarred. no one is. the economy and some part of society is ruined. people have done things and said things they swore they never would. fear and anxiety have crept into everyone's lives and taken hold. this makes me sad.

everyone seems haunted and a bit warey. haunted by uncertainty, haunted by loss of faith in a system that maybe once seemed a sure thing. afraid to be hopeful. afraid.

there is an overwhelming and pervasive sense of futility.

I make it a daily act to drive this feeling away from myself and my family/friends. I will not let it take hold in my life. I am trying to hold onto joy and seeking beauty in all small moments. I am trying to stay centered while I continue to seek balance that I am now realizing is not something that can be gained but rather is something one must come to know. so that is what I am now working toward. I will not find balance-I will know it and live it as much as possible this day forward.

SOME CUTE F'isms to remember!

as F & daddy are doing dishes together, daddy asks F " where do you think the water goes after it goes down the drain?" F stops, thinks and replies "it goes down to where all the seahorses are."

F came home from preschool recently an announced "no pow pow at peachtree" (of course, I say to myself- that's just great. that means F has been pretending to shoot things/kids and light-saber things/kids at preschool; this is a behavior we do not perpetuate at home but some how F figured it out. oh well, more of this ahead of us I am sure.

hanging out with family in the hot tub at my parent's house, F was full of information for us this included the announcement that "puppies live in piles in the forest" that his "penis is going swimming" and also "it is a windy chilly day" (and it really was an awful gray blustery cold and sleety day but we were cozy in the hot tub!)

at aunt S's house, F found aunt S's cute fluffy white stuffed animal polar bear toy. F looked up at us and asked "where is his bottom?, where is the hole?"

F often stops doing whatever, gets very quiet and wide-eyed and calls "mommy, there are monsters over there-I'm scared". OK.....um. where did he get that? we don't talk about ghosts or monsters.

as we are on the way to F's doctor appt to with an ear, nose, throat doc to check F's chronic ear infection issues, F announces to his dad & I that "we are going to the doctor so he can look at the bees in my ears"

when we are at home in the evening, F regularly says in a forlorn voice with a faraway look, "I want to go home". whenever I hear this I sort of catch my breath and my heart skips, then I ask F, "where is home?" and F says "right here mommy this is our home, this is my house".

when I hear this answer I am relieved but also a bit disturbed. is he remembering our old house? or is he feeling sad and this is the only way he knows how to express it? either way it makes me deeply sad to know my dear little 2 yr boy is already experiencing a vague, indescribeable sense of loss that he does not know how to express any other way than to year to go "home". weird.