on my mind.....

I'm not sure what to write at this time-normally I have an idea of what I will post. I am sort of in a state of personal turmoil right now and I am not sure how much I want to talk about it b/c I can tell this is truly only the tip of an iceburg. but I feel the need to mention it now b/c I am sure I will continue to post about this self-journey I am about to embark on.

I haven't felt quite this way ever in my life. I am having major confliction about some of my life choices but I am not sure how to reconcile any of it at this time. I am going to start seeing a therapist this week b/c I need to talk to someone who is totally objective.

normally at times like this I would turn to my husband, friends, family to talk and through some sort of conversational catharsis I am relieved and can move forward. but not this time. something is different. I seem to have lost patience and all peace. lately I am suppressing a frustration and a sort of anger with no specific target-it is just there and I have never known this and I hate it and I want it gone. but I still really don't want to talk to my friends or family about this kind of thing b/c just saying how I am feeling out loud is almost too much for me right now. it feels somehow shameful and unappreciative of all the beauty in my life. this blog entry is the best I can do and this is veyr very difficult to right. I hope I actually post it b/c I want to remember this. I really do want to be able to read this one day when I have sorted things out. I will know then how far I ahve come and maybe I will have an answer or 2 or at least a purpose.

I am overwhelmed in ways I could not have thought possible. the annoying thing is that this sounds so whiney and pathetic and shallow. I am even mad at myself for feeling this way right now. I have so very much good in my life. so many many wonderful things-I can't even begin to tally up how many wonderful things and peopel I have in my life. I am so lucky and anyone would say I am blessed. but I need to stop feeling guilty for feeling overwhelmed and frustrated and mad and clueless, really.

Many people I know tell me that they turn to God when they are trying to sort out something of great inner conflict and frustration and when they are seeking answers to those "larger" questions in life. I haven't asked anyone for advice or counsel this time b/c in all honesty right now I would freak out if someone who I confided in said I should pray about it........I am not a religious person. I never have been despite growing up as a practicing catholic. I never connected with the religion or the kind of spirituality that catholicism or basic christianity represents. I am deeply respectful of people's faith and their religious beliefs and I am amazed at how much good and charitable works are done in the name of God everyday but for myself, I have never been able to separate the horrors, alienation, and persecution that humans commit in the name of God from all the good that organized religions have accomplished. despite this I have always considered myself a spiritual person but lately I am even starting to question this. I am not sure if I have been honest with myself about the source and goal of my spirituality and I need to explore this.

I am also envious of religious people for another reason-their ability to have purpose. their FAITH gives them purpose. they claim to live purposefully and this seems to make them happy, content and apparently gives them direction in life and answers and hope when times are tough or confusing. it seems that once a person finds Jesus then they find the answers and can go on the rest of their lives feeling guided and purposeful. I don't think I will be finding Jesus in the near future so I hope there is something or someone out there for the rest of us.........

well for what its worth, right now I need purpose and answers. I still have hope-I am always hopeful and always will be. I want to live a lifestyle that is sustainable, physically, socially, economically, and environmentally conscious and sustainable. I want to have time to love people and enjoy life and all the good things everyday. I don't want to wake up one morning in 30 years and realize that I missed my child growing up or that I don't know my husband anymore or that I am disgusted at how I have lived like an ignorant consuming american pig person who I never wanted to be or that I am unhealthy and my body is failing me and I wish I could turn back time to exercise more or eat more veggies or something. I want to live for TODAY and do it wisely so that I can enjoy all of the tomorrows-whether I have 5 more or hundreds more I want to live the same way. this probably all sounds so cliche. that is one of the things that is makign me frustrated. I am feeling all those feelings I ahve heard about other people feeling-and here I am looking for the same stupid answers. oh I hope maybe someone has found them.