The Passage of Time

I am amazed at the process of time passing. Before Finley came along I noticed time passing every once in a while-usually in the morning. I would wake up and realize that it was a new day and that made me happy & sad at the same time. Time passage is a constant thing-a comforting and sometimes frustrating guarantee in this universe. I can not stop time, a new day will come whether I like it or not. Many a day I have been thankful that each day is finite- this is a good thing when you are waiting for something, excited, anxious, or in pain, lonely, scared, nervous, or frustrated. But it is a very sad, strange thing when you are experiencing something special or wonderful or with someone you love or in a place that you love. And you know all along that time is fleeting and fragile and you will have to let go of whatever moment you are trying to hang on to. And I realize that this is really why we have memories. Sure our memories have allowed humans to learn and innovate and to create our technology and society as it is today yet it is memories that really make us human. memories that we cherish and memories that we want to forget. We are each the sum of our experiences and memories of those experiences and this is a very powerful thing.

But WOW-sometimes in my life I have wanted so badly to stop time-my desire for this sometimes seems palpable. Standing on a mesa in the Utah desert at sunset with my husband. Time seems to stand still for a moment as the warm winds whisper through our hair and the smell of red prehistoric earth is everywhere and I feel young and strong, full of life and excitement at the prospect of an new adventure the next day. I wanted to stop time and stay there forever.

One spring day in Michigan I was planting flowers in my front yard and my mom stopped by with my Grandma after one of Gram's doctor appointments. Gram and I were happy to see eachother and we hugged and I smelled her rosey perfume and felt her soft yet strong yet fragile body within my arms and looked into her watery green eyes full of laughter and pride. But then I saw in my mothers eyes a sadness that I will never forget. "your grandmother has bone cancer" and then I wanted to stop time. to hang onto that moment forever. the moment I could smell Gram's perfume and feel her real body and hold her real hand and see her real eyes looking at my with love and admiration. standing on the grass in my front yard in May with Gram next to me and somehow she embodied so much of MY life and HER own life and her childrens' lives and her husband's life. I could hardly stand it- I thought I would burst.

And now I have a child. The single greatest reminder of the passage of time I have ever known. Our mornings with baby Finley are very special-we stay in bed as long as we can almost everyday-Bill, Finley, Kaia & I-the whole family together in the warmth and comfort of our bed-with Bill & I both knowing that this a wonderufl time in our lives and both of us trying to absorb as much of it as we can. Finley is very happy in the morning and he coos and giggles and smiles and grunts and goobers. I look into his beautiful round face and his big deep dark round eyes and it takes my breathe away. It seems that everyday at least once a day when I look at my son I experience a hot moment when that piercing mixture of amazement and sadness wells up inside me-I have been given this moment with my child but it will pass and I will be left with the memories. He doesn't care, no one else really cares but I do. It means everything to me and I want to remember all of it forever yet I know that I won't b/c that is how the human brain works. we can't hang on to everything. we get to grab hold of certain pieces and these become the foundation of who we are.

These may all seem like very sad thoughts and in many ways they are but I am happy too b/c I am aware of these thoughts. I think about this all the time and it makes me truly cherish many moments in my life. When I am experiencing something I never want to forget I really think about it and try to commit it to memory so that I can relive it someday when I am missing that part of my life.

It's almost 1 year ago that Bill & conceived Finley. We had no idea what was happening and no idea what our year would bring but now I think about it and realize that it is so exciting and cool how life begins-so small and silent and secret. and then one day there is a new person-a new human, a new individual, another chance for something special or maybe just something ordinary but no matter what it is a new life.

Time passes in my son in such an obvious way-it is shocking and sometimes painful and always amazing. As I see him change from day to do I realize that we must all change that much everyday too-we just don'ty see it the same way. It is so subtle we forget and I think children must be that reminder for all of us. I think about this and realize that we have so much to look forward to in the next years of our lives together but I also cherish the moments b/c wonderful, intense moments are really what I will remember.