Sometimes life is too real

There are some times in our lives that remind us that life is very REAL and there is no ignoring it. It is easy to get caught up in the everyday activites of work and bills and errands and house-keeping and casual interactions with people you don't know and with those you know well or love. But then you'll go through one of those phases in your life when everything becomes very vivid and real and in your face. when this happens to me I am always amazed. I am glad it happens because it grounds me and reminds me that I am human yet I am living in a constructed world that is full of expectations and duties and chores that only mask the fact that humanity has only recently shaken the burden of cave-dwelling and hunting & gathering and despite the safety net of governments, buildings, machines, laws, knowledge, and technology that humans have constructed to make "life" easier and safer and more predictable; we are all still so fragile. slaves to our bodies and their limitations, mystical-spiritual-hopeful creatures that find comfort in things and ideas we can't touch or ever really know. Sometimes I find it completely amazing and awesome that humanity succeeds and goes on day after day, mounting battles of all shapes and sizes and goals. someone loses, someone wins, someone compromises but in the end the sun still rises the next day, revealing new challenges and new opportunities that we humans embrace again and again. Amazing.

Today the baby is wiggling around, still waiting to be born. I am home doing various small projects around the house and procrastinatng a bit. I need to be doing some writing for work and I need to call work to check up on my students who are all (I am sure) diligently doing science and makign progress on their projects. The dog is sleeping peacefully in her crate next to my desk, the wind is blowing a lovely breeze through my window and the sun is shining in a milky-blue July sky.

Last week Stephanie had to be admitted back into the hospital for a few days due to some serious postpartum complications. It was very scarey for all of us and especially for her and Kevin. Stephanie's strength and the strength of her and Kevin's love and her love for her boys and her family pushed her through the worst of it. She is back at home now and recovering. I am thinking of her often.

I saw my brother for a few hours this weekend. He was quiet and a bit aloof and pensive and had a strange sad look in his eyes when he talked to me. This is how he has been all summer. I miss him very much. He says that he is doing great at the biostation and I am so happy for him and proud of his persistence. But I can hardly think about the fact that he is moving so far away so soon without getting upset. It has already been hard not seeing him as often as we used to now that the band is no more. We have a special bond when we write music or sing together and when a new song comes to fruition there is unique, indescribable feeling that we get to share. I want the best for him and I want him to experience the process of starting a life in a new city with the woman he loves. This was such a good and importnant and binding experinece for Bill & I that I want this for all of my siblings. But for some reason I have alot of unease about this move at this time. The timing seems all wrong b/c right now it is too one-sided (Kelly's, not Kurt's) and Kurt has so many decisions to make still about school and their plan of being in Seattle only for 1 yr seems short-sighted, unrealistic, naive and this leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I am worried about Kelly too. I have really grown to love her and I truly believe her and Kurt are right for eachother and could be forever under the right circumstances. I am afraid she is pushing their relationship down a track with too many big curves. Furthermore their move comes at a time that absolutely no one in my family can help. We are all such a part of eachother's lives in so many ways that we want ot help and to be part of this big event in their lives but the way it is happening is such that we are all stuck being observers only.

Plus I have not said this to anyone but I think he really needs to be here when the baby is born. He needs to meet his 1st nephew before the child is 4 months old. The baby's due date of September 7th is also Kurt's birthday and that means something and also this baby is a boy and in a family full of women-boys are special. I don't know what to think right now and I don't know what, if anything I should or can say to my brother. I want to be supportive for so many reasons but something about the whole situation feels wrong right now and I really don't think I am being selfish by feeling this way. I have done soul-searching about this and I know that if the timing and the rationale for this x-country move were a little different I would be able to be 100% behind both Kurt and Kelly and I would do whatever I could to help them make this move happen. It really hurts that I can do nothing but watch silently.