am I going to be paranoid for weeks?

Well I am now trying to figure out if I am going to be a paranoid nervous freak wreck for the rest of my pregnancy or if I am going to be able to be calm, rational, and able to go with the "flow", whatever that may be.

I went back to the hospital last night after much hemming and hawing. I was having some weird fluid leakage and I thought it was amniotic fluid b/c it was clear & watery and not urine!! If this was the case then things would likely get ugly fast due to the fact that I am being treated for an infection. It would be bad enough to have a 31 week premature baby but the added complication of possible infection of the amniotic fluid and premature infant would be really bad. Now this is a case of me knowing too much "medically" and how this can influenece my decision making-in bad ways and good ways I guess. So I tried not to let myself get too upset worrying about all of the possible problems and decisions we would face b/c we did not know if there was a "real" problem or not yet.

So I was checked back into a room at UM labor & delivery (gulp) and they performed some more tests on me and my "fluids". Thankfully it was determined NOT to be amniotic fluid and my cervix was closed so they sent me home and told me to continue taking the antibiotics and to be as in-acive as possible (ugh) until my next doc appt on thursday.

So here I am now at home feeling pretty good. I want to just believe everything will be fine and trust in the powers of drugs and modern western medicine but this is very difficult for me b/c I keep thinking-what if, what if I am one of those unfortunate pregnant women whose problem gets over-looked or misdiagnosed or poo poo'd b/c I am young and otherwise healthy and until this week the pregnancy was going great. what if....

Normally I try never to be one of those "what if" "could have, should have" people. but here I am and this is MY baby and I really really want everything to be OK and I really can't comprehend how I would feel if something went wrong at this stage in the pregnancy and I thought it could have turned out differently if different decisions had been made.

So now I know that I need to do my best to take things day by day and stay alert but try not to fall down the ravine of needless overanxiety. I need to believe that things will turn out as "planned" whether I like the plan or not. I need to keep reminding myself of this and hope for the best.

I can feel the baby squirming around inside right now. I am sure he has no idea what his mom is feeling right now and he is just going about his nornmal squirmy business of developing and growing. I really hope he gets to continue to do so without complications for another month and half.